Midwest Confusion

Blech, school

2007-05-02T21:28:00.000-07:00

Two weeks of finals and paper...it hardly seems fair. When next week is over, I'll be so, so happy.
Instead of studying tonight, I hung out with my summer roommate. She travels in the winter and then comes home and tells wonderful stories, this time of the Philippines. We smoked cigarettes, drank warm beer and sat outside illuminated by the full moon. It's spring, nearing summer and I can't wait.
The Economist continues to be great, and for that I'm happy. I turned 30 on Saturday and for that I'm also happy. I ran my first 5K. I ran the entire thing and finished in just over 33 minutes. I'm proud of completing my goal.
I'm working on my Mondo Beyondo http://www.superherodesigns.com/journal/archives/000452.html
and I'm hopeful for the end of all this!
What have your goals been lately?

Spring and the Indigo Girls

2007-04-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

It's beautiful today! Thank God, because there's really nothing that can make studying for a Cost Benefit Exam better...but a little sunshine helps. The dogs are in heaven.

The Economist and I got up and went to a little neighborhood restaurant for breakfast. The Economist is a little anal retentive, so in order to get an outdoor spot, we had to be there before 8:00. On a Sunday.
Later today we're going to look at a house near a lake. WITH RADIANT HEAT FLOORS. I told him heretofor in the winter, you'd find me spread out on the floor, for the entire winter.
I Got my Superhero Necklace! The package was addressed to "The Amazing..." How did she know? http://www.superherodesigns.com/jewelry/index.html
I haven't taken it off since Wednesday!

Speaking if the Indigo Girls...a song came on my Ipod shuffle and so many memories rose to the surface...summer camp counseling, Skinny dipping, the man that I was crying over, (who,by the way called me the other day is such a total drunk loser. I wanted to feel bad, but I don't do the whole victim thing, and then I gave the universe a little dance of joy for saving me form that life...completely in spite of my 23 year old self.).
But the completely amazing thing that always bowls me over is that, even knowing every lyric by heart, the meaning changes for me as I grow. Living Lyrics!
I don't know if it was real or in a dream lately waking up i'm not sure where i've been there was a table set for six and five were there i stood outside and kept my eyes upon that empty chair and there was steam on the windows from the kitchen laughter like a language i once spoke with ease but i'm made mute by the virtue of decision i choose most of your life goes on without me oh the fear i've known that i might reap the praise of strangers and end up on my own all i've sown was a song but maybe i was wrong i said to you the one gift which i'd adore unwrap a package of the next 10 years unfolding but you told me if i had my way i'd be bored right then i knew i loved you best born of your scolding when we last talked we were lying on our backs looking up at the sky through the ceiling i used to lie like that alone out on the driveway trying to read the greek upon the stars the alphabet of feeling oh i knew back then it was a calling that said if joy then pain the sound of the voice these years later is
still the same i am alone in a hotel room tonight i squeeze the sky out but there's not a star appears begin my studies with this paper and this pencil and i'm working through the grammar of my fears mercy what i won't give to have the things that mean the most not to mean the things i miss unforgiving the choice still is the language or the kiss. - Indigo Girls.

Did you know this song?
Are there any other songs that do this for you?

2007-04-18T19:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not exactly sure if anyone actually reads this, so it's funny that I feel anxiety about it...although there are a million things I feel anxiety about, so I guess this is just one more.
School has been insane. I'm trying to keep it all in perspective, but there are a million tiny things that make this all just that much more nutty, like not ever having paychecks anymore...I've reserved to do things much more differently, but I still have to finish this cycle, and I guess it's the patience that's making this so tough.
Okay, the other big thing...Boy number one. I actually broke up with him. Let me explain just a little bit about him. He's an economist. I don't know if you know any economists, but he's not exactly emotional. At all. He tries, but it's not his nature. I love being doted on. So, I think that sometimes I just think he's not crazy enough about me. Turns out he is, he just doesn't always show it, and I'm not great at asking for it. He cried, we talked, and everything has been amazing since. But I'm impatient. I want babies and I'm about to be 30. He's much older (45) and I know that babies are on his mind too...but I want them yesterday, so I'm hoping we can get it together.
A big decision he recently made is that he no longer moving, which relieves me. I'm happy...sort of!
What else...Totally grooving on Jonatha Brooke lately. If you have not hear her yet, run...(or type) to get her cd immediately. Any one. They are all amazing.
What have you been listening to?
I got my superhero necklace just in time for my b-day, and I'll post a picture when I'm no so pale and exhausted!

Superhero

2007-03-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

I just ordered the beloved necklace. http://www.superherodesigns.com/jewelry/earth.html (Thanks, Andrea!)
It'll be my 30th birthday next month and I feel like I deserve and present and a reminder.
Things are clearing...I think because it's getting closer to the end of the semester. I feel like the clouds are lifting, and the recent 80 degree weather probably helped with that!
I've baked a pie, cleaned the floors, and animal medicine reading...things are moving.

Velveteen Rabbit

2007-03-22T21:39:00.000-07:00

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
-Velveteen Rabbit
http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/williams/rabbit/rabbit.html

Still so strange

2007-03-22T17:20:00.000-07:00

As it well should be. New Boy and I are talking (emailing) and I went to break up with the old one yesterday. He was so sneaky and nice...strangely nice and really...almost needy, which is not like him. And I fell for it. At least for today. And then hopefully I'll wake up and I'll believe I'm worth "The Dream".

easy come, easy go...

2007-03-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

I think telling the truth is very scary. I don't always do everything right...but no one does.
I haven't been brave enough to really go for what I want. I'm more scared of losing people than I am of fighting for what I know is right. It's been so long since I feel like I've been able to trust myslef in relationships. I never ask for what I want, rather make it so easy to be around me that my needs get completely forgotten. When someone likes me, really likes me, I question why they would do that. They must not be great enough if they like me...but if he doesn't like me enough, I'm wishing he would more. I can't find the happy medium. (deep breath)
So, there's someone new...even though there's a current. I feel so guilty getting that out, because it's not fair to anyone. I told the new one about the current and I haven't heard from him. Good for him, because who would choose someone who wasn't completely honest from day one?
The current is so not worthy of me...not because he's not a great person, but because he isn't willing to go there. He's on the way out.
Maybe the new one just needs some time...it started out so innocently, emailing and phone calls...we met. (no kissing or anything)
I'm proud of myself for being honest, even though it was scary and even though he didn't get back to me. I have to trust in the best possible outcome...
Here's to a little courage and a little faith.

2007-03-16T06:38:00.000-07:00

What does moving on, letting go, living with integrity feel like? I know what it doesn't feel like, and I know what it's like to judge others who can't seem to "get over it"...
I'd like to think I'm different, but I'm not sure I am. I'm trying to gain anew perspective as I move into the second half of the semester. I want this experience to feel as free as possible and to be the most "me" I can be. Somehow that all gets lost in the expectation of this masters degree. I want to let go of the things that aren't important, move on from the things that aren't authentically me, and walk in integrity...finding and embracing the experiences that are there, waiting for me to be ready!
Somehow, I have to figure our how to move through and do this better.

2007-03-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

It's amazing and sunny and spring break. I'm so wishing I could be anywhere but working on a paper that was left over from last semester.
I read blogs like http://jenlemen.com/blog/ and I want to be dreamy, wearing nubby sweaters and an amazing artist...but, alas...it's not to be so.

I'm in the midst of so many changes and I feel like I've lost my way. I can no longer be the authority on what is right for me, and that scares the crap out of me. I'm so exhausted that my intuition is off.
I would like a vacation, a time to do nothing but soak in life. I need to find a way to make school more enjoyable, because I don't want to be ungrateful for getting in and doing a little something with myself.

2007-03-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

So, I started browsing the web and I cam across this: http://www.kerismith.com/funstuff/100ideas.htm

Idea number 2 is to write yourself a letter in the future.
Dear E,
I'm so proud of you. You did not settle, even thought you could've a million times. You might have been a little crazy, but you knew that you were worth the wait. I'm so happy that you finished your masters degree, stood up for yourself and started to ask for the things you knew you deserved.
You laughed, you learned not to take it so seriously, but to value worth.
You embraced your talents and your unique personality. You didn't have to be perfect at school, relationships, or singing. Just doing what you felt passionate has been enough.
You're happy, successful, loving, interesting, silly, quirky...it's very good and it was well worth the wait.
You're smart, you make good decisions and you don't need the approval of anyone to boldly be yourself.
I love you!

2007-03-10T19:11:00.000-08:00

I'm just not myself right now. School is taking it out of me. I think just growing up, and not being where I want is earing on me. I'm not complaining, becuase I know I'm very blessed in my life, but I want to be blissed too. It's hard, because I have trouble figuring out what's me, and what's the search..although I guess that's just one in the same. I wonder if he's the one that I can be happy with. I know it's about me, but...
Everything just feels off. I feel out of whack and out of control. It's like a roundabout and I don't know where to get off or how to make it better.
At what point do I know that It's about me choosing not to be happy versus being with the wrong person? I want the love story. Do I not have it because I don't ask for it or am I just not being patient enough.
Will I figure out a way to be truly happy?
Blissful?

Truth

2007-01-25T12:41:00.000-08:00

My Yogi Tea tag tells me that "truth is everywhere". I think my tea tag is lying. Ironic

***addendum***
Okay, that post was written by a crabby, tired, bitter girl. I didn't mean it, universe!
truth is everywhere. Thank you Yogi Tea!